I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
You Might Also Like
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Bruh
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The booster protects against what, now?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Always a metermaid never a meter
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ew if literal: let me be clear
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*