I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
😾
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I have taken up painting
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky