I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You Might Also Like
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.