i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
listen closely
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.