i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
life finds a way
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.