I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
If you know, you know
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.