Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Meme Monday.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.