Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.