Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.