I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Rambo Rambow
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget