I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Every BBC series about the universe.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
courtroom exchange of the day
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Art by Pastelkatto
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.