I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*