I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
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My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’m giving up ice.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You can’t outrun your problems…
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.