I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
