Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Them: I don’t like you.
Me: