I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Not today.. 😂
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
i smell a pulitzer
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Cake safety first. Always.
Did my cat write this
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.