I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Note to self: always read the final line
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.