I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
the red hot silly peppers
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*