I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣