If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.