@SardonicTart

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

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@doktorj

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

@vonTraphaus

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

@OMGSoOverIt

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@marthasa1

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@Marl_TheBean

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@ComradTwitty

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.