I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
You Might Also Like
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again