i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
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Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
⚠️ Important Reminder:
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”