Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.