Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooops wrong house😂😜

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….