I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.