I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Happy birthday to all the women
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.