Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

you have three unread messages

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Thursday Thought.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?