I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I can’t deal with men any longer
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer