I don’t hate children, just yours.
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paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Vodka burrito was a success
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
The dark side of Canada
Merica.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.