Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.