Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

The most precious boy

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

getting seasonal up in here

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!