I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
me, after any kind of buffet.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water