Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly