Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

i can’t wait that long

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

At least try to make it slightly believable

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

[Wine tasting]

Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?

— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.