I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
You Might Also Like
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart