Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct