I don’t hate you, but I hope you run out of hot water before you’re finished your shower
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs