I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”