I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.