being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!