I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
You Might Also Like
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Imma just leave this here…………
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.