Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Here’s a meme

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

Genius idea!!

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.