I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
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Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*