Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.