I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*