I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!