Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

fixed it

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

#DesignFail

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

☠️☠️☠️

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.