Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Ladies, why y’all do this?

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?