Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:
A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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I put the “m” in illiterate
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.
Husband: participation trophy
Touché husband Touché
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Both: Push it real good?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”