I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
This could be us… but you playing
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
i meant to share this earlier
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider