I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
🍛
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
That’s easy for you to say
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS