I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it

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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.



If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.


Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.


ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes


waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes


Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.


Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t


Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome