Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.
Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
JUDGE: your word is antonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.