@JuanSalton

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it

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@DaddingAround

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@Contwixt

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

@maisondecris

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

@ClichedOut

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

@TragicAllyHere

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

@6_speedmomma

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome