I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My teenage children choosing violence
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking