My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
not for long
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.