I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
![]()
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”