Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*