Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting