I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.