Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Passed by a old school Math example today.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

real

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Best seat on the street 😍

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green