I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
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One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?