@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

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@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@DamienFahey

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.

@Contwixt

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

@JermHimselfish

I met Jay-Z in ’09 and he said “Meet my fiance, Beyonce” and I was like “That rhymes, you should rap!” and we laughed and he sold me crack.

@funflaps

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN