I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

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Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us


I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.


WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well


Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.


Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.





Me: *gets out of pool*


Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain


Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*


Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.