@gabemakesmusic

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

You Might Also Like

@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

@samreich

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

@stoneman67

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well

@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

@CryptoNature

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

@shkeeber

Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*

@JaneBadall

Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.