Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

me when i see my girls butt

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

Cop lights are so pretty at night