Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there