“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
You Might Also Like
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993