“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
