“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Windows
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
