Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Basketball

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

me when the borders lift

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.