Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.