i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
i did the math