I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Spotted in the wild
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
