I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.