I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.