Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away